The Unauthorized Biography of a Serial Bopper

My Four Decades with Little Bunny Foo Foo

For Josephine, on her 17th birthday.

Forty years ago, I spent five summers as the Camp Director at the Beverly Regional YMCA day camp. I led approximately 4,382 daily sing-alongs, orchestrated countless rounds of "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt," organized more freeze dance competitions than I can count, and applied more sunscreen than should be humanly possible. But nothing, nothing, followed me home quite like "Little Bunny Foo Foo."

Fast forward 20 years, and there I was, a parent myself, singing about this misbehaving rabbit to my daughter, Josephine, on our way to school. The lyrics were so deeply embedded in my psyche that they became a special ritual. I animatedly mimed rabbit ears and bopping motions while navigating morning traffic, my daughter singing along in the backseat, utterly unaware of the ecological terrorism we were cheerfully recounting.

For those of you fortunate enough to have escaped this childhood ditty, the song chronicles a rabbit with troubling behavioral issues who hops through the forest, scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head, despite repeated warnings from a fairy authority figure. The rabbit refuses to change and is ultimately transformed into a "goon" (whatever that means in rabbit terms), and the moral of the story is, wait for it……….. “hare today, goon tomorrow.”

It was always the most requested song during our camp’s daily sing-along time. Children would gather in our activity pavilion and gleefully mimic the bopping motion with such enthusiasm that we had to institute a "no actual bopping of fellow campers" rule after the Great Foo Foo Incident of 1985 (which resulted in three tearful seven-year-olds and one very apologetic nine-year-old).

After reminiscing that I had sung this song thousands of times to campers decades ago, my daughter, and countless friends’ children, something in me finally snapped. What kind of forest governance system was this? Where was the restorative justice? What was the fairy's certification in conflict resolution? And most importantly, what values have I been passing down through this seemingly innocent musical tradition?

So, I did what any reasonable former camp director and single Dad with too much time on his hands would do: I wrote a strongly worded letter to a fictional rabbit from the perspective of a bureaucratic fairy oversight committee.

What follows is that letter, which I now share with my daughter on her 17th birthday, camp directors, fellow parents, and anyone else who has ever found themselves absently singing about woodland creature violence while doing the dishes.

AN OPEN LETTER TO LITTLE BUNNY FOO FOO REGARDING YOUR TROUBLING PATTERN OF VIOLENCE

OFFICIAL NOTICE: FOR IMMEDIATE COMPLIANCE

Dear Little Bunny Foo Foo,

It has come to our attention, through extensive anecdotal evidence, unsolicited sing-alongs, and the tear-stained testimony of displaced field mice, that your behavior in the forest ecosystem has become categorically unacceptable.

According to our incident reports, you have been repeatedly observed "hopping through the forest," a seemingly innocuous activity that invariably culminates in the unauthorized "scooping up of field mice” followed by the non-consensual "bopping" of said mice on the head.

At first, we assumed this phrasing was a charming rural colloquialism for something benign, like organizing a community garden or rebalancing a tax-advantaged retirement portfolio. Alas, primary sources and CCTV footage from strategically placed cameras confirm that your actions involve bopping the heads of innocent, unionized field mice who have filed no fewer than 47 grievances with the Woodland Workers' Compensation Board.

The Fairy Community, henceforth referred to as the "Good Fairy Oversight Board" (GFOB), has attempted a series of progressive disciplinary actions. Our records indicate you were issued no fewer than three (3) formal warnings. THREE. This represents an unprecedented allocation of fairy resources, considering the GFOB's statutory aversion to administrative paperwork and the ongoing fairy dust shortage affecting magical interventions across the forest.

And yet, you persisted in bopping.

Let us be abundantly clear: The threat to "turn you into a goon" is not a constitutionally permitted punishment under the Forest Accords of 1974 and subsequently amended by the Toad Stool Circle Treaty of 1976.

Transformative sentencing must be proportional, restorative, and preferably involve a participatory apology circle with mandatory refreshments provided by the offending party.

Even among magical beings with advanced degrees in transmutation, the term "goon" lacks a clear metaphysical definition and could be interpreted anywhere from "professional henchperson" to "regional sales manager at a Bass Pro Shop" to "podcast host with questionable audio equipment."

Bunny Foo Foo, you have left us no choice.

You had such promise. You had springtime kinetic energy that could have powered sustainable forest initiatives. You had ears so floppy they could disrupt regional weather patterns (and were being studied by the National Weather Service as a renewable energy source). You had a social media following that could have launched a line of sustainably sourced garden tools or, at minimum, secured you a lucrative sponsorship deal with Carrots & Me‚ the leading rabbit-focused meal kit delivery service. Instead, you chose a path of casual rodent battery with flagrant disregard for interspecies harmony.

If you seek restorative justice, we require the following remediation steps:

· A 1000-word apology letter, single-spaced in Times New Rodent, 12pt font, posted to r/forestapologies and printed in the Woodland Gazette.

· Donate 75% of your carrot reserves to field mouse mutual aid societies and trauma recovery programs.

· Enroll in a six-week anger management retreat led by Mr. Toad.

· Community service hours reorganizing Owl's library using the Dewey Decimal System (Note: Owl is very particular about spine alignment).

· Mandatory wearing of mittens during all forest hops for a probationary period of three (3) seasons.

If you comply with these terms, we may consider your reintegration into the Enchanted Meadow community, pending a hearing before the Woodland Rehabilitation Committee, which meets every second Tuesday, except during hibernation months. Until then, please be advised that every time a child sings your song at bedtime, it is no longer entertainment. It is not folklore. It is a warning and an AMBER Alert for field mice everywhere.

Your GPS ankle monitor has been disguised as a fashionable daisy chain. Please do not attempt to remove it, as it will release glitter that is impossible to remove from fur.

Sincerely,

The Good Fairy Oversight Board

Subcommittee for the Ethical Treatment of Small Woodland Creatures

(A division of the United States Forest Service, pending budget approval)

P.S. The goblins have asked us to let you know that they would very much like to offer you an internship in their "Aggressive Talent Acquisition" department, should the whole "goon" thing not work out. Their dental plan is very competitive.

P.P.S. Your mother called. She's not angry, just disappointed.